MENTAL
by sufferhappy
Summary: While in a mental institution Draco meets many interesting HP characters and they're all freakin' crazy. Humorously poignant Dramione Fic. Prologue isn’t that funny, hopefully after that you’ll laugh yourself stupid or cry cause you have no sense of humor
1. A Nervous Tick

A/N: I do not own anything Harry Potter. I am merely playing within the world J.K. Rowling has created. However, the following story and ideas are mine so please don't steal them. Also, this is the only time I am going to ask this...Please Review. It really helps and makes me post more often. If you have any questions about the story feel free to email me. Well, that's it. Now for the story...

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**MENTAL**

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/PROLOGUE/ A Nervous Tick**

The room was tiny, almost too tiny. And white, almost too white. Walls, ceiling, floor… white, white, white. He was dressed in black from head to toe. Black shoes, black slacks, black shirt. His appearance was expensive. Being a black blemish in the room of white made him uncomfortable, yet his features remained emotionless.

The only other individual in the room, besides himself, was wearing a white coat and had a long white beard. This did not relieve his discomfort. The man in the white coat sat in a white chair behind a white desk staring across the room at him. He sat adjacent in…surprise…a white chair. He surveyed the room. _Why aren't there any windows?_

Out of habit he brushed pale blond hairfrom his eyes, revealing a gold watch that clung to his wrist ticking loudly in the silent room.

**_Tick_**.

His cold, gray eyes focused on the man in his _stupid_ white coat.

"Malfoy, Draco." Apparently the man in the white coat could talk after all. _About bloody time._

Draco didn't respond to his name choosing instead to yawn unceremoniously.

"Mr. Malfoy." The old man tried again. Draco simply shifted his weight from left to right trying to make his mind up about the situation. _Half moon specs…what a wanker._

**_Tick_**.

"That's fine I didn't expect you to answer. However, I expect you know why you're here." The words _I don't like you_ flashed through Draco's mind.

"Your past behavior has placed you in my care." _No, that would be my father_. The old man opened a white file folder and began to read aloud. _He must have a white fetish._

"Lack of moral sense, inability to control impulses, no sense of responsibility, emotional immaturity…"

**_Tick_**.

"…chronically antisocial in behavior, manipulative to the point of recklessness, may lie for personal pleasure or profit…"

**_Tick_**. Draco's eyes darted toward the exit.

"…not learning from experience, no change in behavior after punishment…"

**_Tick_**.

"…self-centeredness, lack of guilt…"

**_Tick_**.

"…and an inability to form meaningful relationships."

**_Tick_**. Draco blinked.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" challenged the old man.

A proud smirk flashed across the blonde's face. "That sounds about right."

With that Draco carefully began removing his wristwatch. The old man studied his movements trying to decide on a course of action. "Candy?" he offered.

_What the hell._

"Lemon drop?" _This bastard is fuckin' crazy._

"Licorice snap?" _And I'm the one being put in a mental institution?_

"No?" The old man shook his head and breathed heavily then gazed significantly at the silent teenager before him. "Well then, welcome to Hogwarts."

Feeling dismissed, Draco rose slowly from his seat and walked toward the exit. He paused at the door, and stared at the gold timepiece now in his hand. He placed it in his pocket…it had been broken for years. **_Tick_**. He laughed. The room was just too damn white.


	2. An Institution Introduction

**/CHAPTER I/ An Institution Introduction**

Once on the other side of the door, white room behind him, Draco had only one thing on his mind…Escape.

_He can't possibly think I'm going to stay here. Now, how do I get out of this nut house?_

You see, he had been so enraged at his father's duplicitous action to put him in a mental hospital that he took no note of his surroundings on the way in.

_He said we were going out for ice cream. I should have known. Stupid git._

Draco began to walk through what he assumed was the reception office at a hallway in front of him.

"One moment please." A stern, old secretary behind a type-writer glared at him. "You need to be sorted." Draco hadn't even noticed her presents.

"Excuse me."

"Come here young man." _No you're creepy._

The secretary's hair was pulled back in a tight bun and streaked with gray. He read the silver name plate on her desk: MRS. MCGONAGALL. Deciding it was best to indulge her he walked to her location next to the only window in the reception office. Although it was dark out Draco could see they were clearly seven stories up. _Jumping won't do._

The window was dressed with metal bars. Draco stood in front of the secretary's desk feeling like a prisoner. _Please let there be no uniforms._

She began to speak in an authorial tone. "As a new patient…"

"I'm not crazy." He casually interrupted. He thought she should know.

"Right then." Her beady eyes narrowed behind square glasses. "As a new non-crazy patient it is my job to inform you that…"

"Do I have to wear a uniform?"

"No. You can wear your regular clothes." The secretary's tone was harsh. Apparently she didn't enjoy being interrupted.

"I haven't got any." His voice was spiteful. "I was forced here against my will. I've got no clothes!"

"I'm sure your father has made arrangements…"

"Am I to be naked? You'd like that wouldn't you."

Mrs. McGonagall had just about enough. She slammed her hand on the desk. "Mr. Malfoy! Are you quite finished?"

Draco stood arrogantly before her. "One more question."

"What?"

"Can I go home?"

"No!" she shouted.

He cocked his head to the side. "Is it really wise for you to shout at people who are 'supposedly' mentally ill?" He offered putting _supposedly_ in dramatic finger quotes.

"Mr. Malfoy, listen and listen well. I am to inform you that as new patient at Hogwarts mental rehabilitation center you may not leave the facilities or grounds until Dr. Dumbledore," she motioned toward the white room, "signs off on your release. As a patient…"

Her voice trailed off in his mind. Instead of listening he chose to let his gaze wander. The reception office consisted of nothing but the secretary's desk, a large number of locked file cabinets, and a coat rack that held a tartan jacket and a peculiar, old hat. The door he had come through was directly behind the secretary and marked with the number twelve.

"…patient confidentiality…you are here because you pose a threat to yourself as well as other individuals…you are currently being treated on the seventh floor which is for adolescent patients…high security level…with improvement you could be reassigned to another adolescent ward with a lower security level…" Her voice drifted in and out of his conscience. _Does she really think I'm listening to her?_

He stared directly at the secretary blurring his vision. A silver picture frame on her desk caught his eye. Having no sense of personal boundaries he picked it up, a tabby cat stared back at him. "This is by far the ugliest cat I have ever seen."

"Thank you for that assessment, Mr. Malfoy. Now please put that down and listen to what you're being told." Her tone was harsh…he was getting to her.

He set the picture back down on the desk. It fell over.

Clearly disgruntled the secretary began again. "Care here will consist of individual and group therapy, medication prescribed by your doctors, and around-the-clock behavioral evaluation. Hold out your arm now."

He stuck out his arm in front of the sitting woman. She took hold and fastened a dark green bracelet around his wrist. "I have to wear a bracelet…this is fucked up."

"Watch your language Mr. Malfoy."

"Sorry, this _wristlet_ if fucked up." Mrs. McGonagall had met a lot of kids in her days at Hogwarts, but this kid obviously had serious problems.

"Take note that your father's signature has given us permission to use _any_ means necessary to rehabilitate you."

She gave it out like a challenge and Draco took it as such.

Draco began to clap, a slow, loud, penetratingly rude clap his gray eyes unblinking. "Well you told me."

Unnerved, though she was, by his reaction Mrs. McGonagall remained firm in her secretarial position. "We're done here. Someone will give you a tour of the facilities. All the way down the hall and to the right, good day."

Before she had finished he was already making his way down the hall.

_What a bitch._

No one would disagree that Draco wasn't a people person. He treated all people with contempt and a suspicion bordering cruelty. That was his way.

The hallway he had been instructed to go down was a dull, cream color and lined with wooden doors. Each door bore a tiny metal plaque with a number.

_Eleven, ten, nine_… Draco counted down as he went along, fluorescent lights twittering above.

As he neared the end of the hall… _three, two, one_… the plain wooden doors stopped and so did Draco. Right in front of him was a large door. _Holy shit._

To the left of him was solid wall, to the right another cream colored hallway without any doors, and behind him the stretch of numbered doors. But, in front of him was freedom.

The large door was bared and covered in a complex pattern of wire. It resembled a chain link fence but with holes the size of quarters rather then tennis balls. Through the tiny gaps of wire mesh Draco could see clearly an elevator and beyond that a door marked exit. _Cha-Ching._

No doubt through the door marked exit would be a stairwell and at the bottom of the stairwell would be a fire exit to the outside. All he would have to do would be get through the metal door. _Piece of cake._

Casually he pulled on the door. It didn't move.

Draco scanned his immediate area making sure no one was around to stop him. Both hallways were deserted. He was completely alone. He yanked at it with force. It still didn't move. He tried again. _Damn it_. Frustrated he shook the door with all his might.

_Stupid…open…Piece of shit…Blast...move…_

The lock that held the door closed was resolute in its position not to obey Draco's incoherent commands to let him out.

Taking a deep breath Draco paced off down the numbered hallway. When he reached door three he rolled up his black sleeves, shook his legs, and thumbed his nose like a boxer. Then without warning he turned around sharply and made a run at the door. When he made contact with the door he rebounded backwards onto his butt and skidded across the lackluster, off-white linoleum floor. The metal mesh resonated loudly taunting him. _Shut up._

He lifted his body off the floor, throw himself at the door, and began to scale it in a grand fashion, the way only a Malfoy could. With his hands gripping the mesh tightly and his shiny black shoes slipping off the wire making him do a funny sort of run in midair.

"Hello there." _Oh shit_. Draco paused in his awkward hanging position. A stout boy in yellow pajama pants had popped up behind him. Draco let his feet fall to the floor and turned around slowly breathing heavily from exhaustion.

"You must be Draco Malfoy." He stuck out a hand in welcome. "I'm Ernie McMillan."

_It's one of the crazies. Don't make any sudden movements. _Draco remained frozen.

"You are Draco right?"

_Lie! _"No, you must have the wrong person. My name is …um...Philippe."

_Philippe? Great, now the nutter is going to think you're a puff._

"I'm not gay." _Nice save._

An utterly confused Ernie lowered his declined hand. "Right." His eyebrows rose.

Just then, marching down the hall came Mrs. McGonagall. She wore an annoyed expression on her face and carried a clipboard. When she reached the two boys she ripped something off the clipboard and stuck it firmly to Draco's chest.

"Oh, Hello Mr. McMillan." She acknowledged Ernie with a head nod and then walked back down the numbered hallway to her reception area.

Draco looked down at what the secretary had put on his shirt. It was a white sticker with a blue boarder that read: HELLO…MY NAME IS DRACO MALFOY.

Ernie looked at Draco with an air of satisfaction. Draco ripped off the name tag and stuck it to the wall with a thud.

"Right, now that we have established that I'm this Malfoy person, how do you get out of here?"

"You don't."

"I don't think you understand I'm not staying here."

"Look, chum. I'm supposed to show you around. After that you can do whatever you like." With that he headed off down the door-less hallway with a funny sort of stride. Not knowing what else to do Draco followed.

_What a pompous, little crazy._

"The door you were climbing back there is indeed the only exit, however, only the staff members have keys to open it."

_Why does he have to walk like that?_

Draco made a mental note to blackmail Ernie into not revealing the events that had just transpired to the rest of the crazies. After all, he was Draco Malfoy and although he was in the loony bin he demanded a certain level of fear and respect from other people.

Draco and Ernie continued along the hallway passing a solitary large portrait hanging on the wall that contained four figures. Draco paused to look at it briefly and then hurried to catch up with Ernie.

"So, how do you know whose crazy and who's a staff member?"

"Staff members wear white uniforms or if they're doctors they wear white coats. Oh, and it's probably not a good idea to go around calling people crazy in here."

_Only a crazy person would say that._ "How bout nutter?"

"No."

"Loony?"

"No."

"Cuckoo?" He even did the eyes to accompany this one.

"No."

"Mentally unstable?"

"No." Ernie stopped walking and turned to face Draco. "Try our names."

Caught off guard Draco ran into Ernie. "I'm not learning anyone's name. I'm only going to be here a little while you whacko." Immediately Draco began brushing himself off as if he might catch whatever mental illness Ernie had.

Ernie watched Draco pat himself down. "I can't wait till you meet Ron." He remarked.

"Who's wrong? Certainly not me…" They had stopped at the end of the hallway which opened into a huge room. Draco lost his train of thought as his eyes took in the sight before him.

The room was massive, probably five times that size of the average living room. The space was cream colored like elsewhere and the florescent lights above gave it a bland glow. Across the way were two large windows that took up most of the wall. They were barred of course. Facing them was an old, burgundy couch. To the right of the couch nestled in a lonely corner, was a metal door with a tiny window crudely painted white. _What's behind that door?_

The room itself was an odd mix of tables, armchairs, benches, couches, and other random furnishings. At first there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to it, yet upon further inspection certain areas of the room seemed to pertain to a certain activities.

"This is the common room," Ernie explained as he led Draco in. "It's divided into four sections. "Over there's the telly…" He pointed to an area with a sad excuse for a television and an even sadder excuse for a couch. "…we take our meals over there…" It was an area with four long tables accompanied by benches. "…games and books are over there…" This area was furnished with two round wooden tables, three ratty armchairs, and shelves that contain few books and even fewer games. "…and arts and crafts are over that way." The last area had cabinets along the wall, three more of those wooden tables, and was decorated with art created by the hospitals inhabitants.

"That's it?" Draco was not impressed. He was used to living in a spacious mansion. The idea that he had to stay in a place festooned with crazy people's cut-and-paste masterpieces was laughable.

"Yep that's it," stated Ernie.

"I'm staying here? In this place?"

"Actually, most patients prefer to stay in there rooms." _Wonder why._

Draco took notice that there were two boys in the room besides him and Ernie. Neither of them got up from what they were doing.

"Exactly how many crazies do I have to deal with?"

"On this floor there are fifteen _patients_, now sixteen," he pointed to Draco.

"Wonderful, just great." Draco rubbed his forehead in frustration. "Well, where is everybody?"

"Probably sleeping it's one in the morning." The starlit sky outside the vast windows showed this to be true.

"What's that room?" Draco motioned to the white, metal door he had noticed on the way in.

"Padded room. You don't want to end up in there." Draco raised an eyebrow in interest, but before he could ask more about the room a short boy with mousy brown hair tapped Ernie repeatedly on the arm.

Ernie turned to the boy. "This is Colin Creevey." Ernie informed Draco. _It's a midget._

"Hello, hi, hello. How are you? I'm fine. Good to meet you. Have you played with the glitter yet? I love glitter. Yep, glitters fun. It's over there in the third cabinet." He pointed to the arts and crafts area. "They have every color: blue, purple, green, gold, red…"

_What is wrong with this kid._

"..orange, blue. Blue! Wait I've already said that one. Do you like the color blue? I…"

_This is ridiculous._ Draco wasn't going to put up with this little spaz. "Shut Up!"

"What you don't like glitter. Try some." Colin shoved his had into his pocket and withdraw a handful of blue glitter. He then proceeded to throw it up in the air. "Ha ha." The glitter fell all over Draco covering him from head to toe.

_He did not just mess with my hair._

"What the hells wrong with you?" Draco grabbed for Colin, who ducked behind Ernie.

Ernie shielded Colin. "Draco leave him alone."

"No. He's annoying the shit out of me. Look at me I'm covered in blue glitter."

Draco began to brush off the glitter with both hands. Colin came out from behind Ernie to help. He put a hand to Draco's shoulder to brush off some glitter. Draco made a grab for the short boy again. Colin was too quick and ran away down the hallway with the portrait of the four figures laughing hysterically.

"He's got attention deficit hyper active disorder, ADHD. Of course he's annoying," was all Ernie could say to an extremely pissed off Draco.

Suddenly a loud cough echoed through the common room. Draco looked for the source and his eyes landed on the only other patient in the room. A round-faced boy who sat on the couch in front of a blank telly. "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Neville. He has dissociate amnesia." Ernie saw a look of puzzlement cross the blonde's face. "He forgets things because he can't cope with reality. Hey Neville." Ernie move to the couch and sat down next to the confused looking boy. Draco moved over to the couch but chose to remain standing.

"Do I know you?" Neville asked as he looked at Ernie.

"Yeah, its Ernie remember?"

"Okay then." Neville's eyes fell on Draco next. "Do I know you too?"

"No." _And I don't want you to._

Draco noticed that Neville wore a red bracelet. He looked at Ernie, his bracelet was yellow.

"So, what's with the bracelets?"

Neville looked at his arm and was startled to see something there. "Where'd this come from?"

"They are classification bracelets," said Ernie ignoring Neville. "They are inscribed with numbers and a computer chip that stores information about us. That way we can be transferred easily from one ward to the next or if we go astray…"

"Do people get transferred a lot?" A new escape plan had just entered Draco's mind.

"No. You see we, here on the seventh floor, are extreme cases." Draco frowned as his plan deflated. "As for the color of the classification bracelets it has something to do with what you're diagnosis is, but I don't know what."

"What's your diagnosis?" Draco demanded of Ernie.

"Obsessive compulsive disorder." Suddenly why Ernie walked oddly became clear to Draco. He had been avoiding the cracks between the linoleum tiles.

"How do you find out what your _diagnosis_ is?" Draco struggled with this question thinking there couldn't be anything wrong with him. At least not like these two and the Creevey boy… they were nuts.

"You have to have what the doctors call a breakthrough." Ernie stated simply. "You have to acknowledge there is a problem before you can know what it is."

"Whatever. Where is my room? I'm tired of our little question-and-answer thing."

Ernie stood up from the couch. "To the left are the boy's dormitories and to the right are the girl's dormitories. Ernie motioned like a flight attendant toward two corridors at the far end of the room. _So there are girl crazies. That might be fun..._

"Follow me Malfoy." Ernie headed of towards the boy's corridor. Draco took one last look at a confused Neville who was pulling at his bracelet before he followed Ernie into the corridor.

Down the boy's corridor there were several doors on both sides. All were closed as the hour warranted. Unlike the doors in the numbered hallway these bore letters. "Your in room 'E'," informed Ernie. _'E' for excellent._

As they walked down the boy's corridor a raven haired boy stepped out from behind one of the many doors, shut it with a click, and headed straight for them. "Oh, great," sighed Ernie.

"Hi," said the boy when he reached their location. "I was just on my way to astronomy." Draco choked down a laugh. _Man that kids got untidy hair._

"Hello Harry. This is Draco Malfoy. Draco this is Harry Potter."

Draco didn't feel like dealing with anymore crazies today. He wanted to know where his room was so he could be alone.

_What is that on his forehead?_ Suddenly his room could wait.

"What's that?"

Harry's hand flew to his forehead before he responded. "It's a scar."

"Oh no," whispered Ernie.

"No it's not," said Draco approaching Harry for a closer look.

"Yes it is," responded Harry.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it's a scar."

"It's a scar. Leave it." Ernie pleaded. Draco didn't step down.

"No it's marker. You did that with marker. You draw a lightning bolt on your forehead with marker." _That is the stupidest thing I have ever seen_. Draco burst out laughing.

This made Harry reach into his pocket and produce something that made the situation far worse.

"What's with the stick?"

"It's his wand," answered Ernie.

Draco couldn't help it, this was hilarious. A boy with untidy hair and a markered forehead was pointing a stick at him. "What do you think you're a wizard or something?"

Ernie, sensing trouble, disappeared into one of the rooms off the corridor.

"That's right." He stuck his wand right in the laughing blonds face. Something about this guy just angered Draco to his core.

Draco smirked at him. "Potter is it. The only thing magic about you is that marker you used to drawl on your forehead." With that Draco knocked the _wand_ from Harry's hand and took a swing at him. Harry dodged the punch and wrestled Draco to the ground.

Harry looked down at the blond with contempt. "All Slytherin are just the same," he spat.

"What did you call me?" Draco flipped Harry over and punched him in the stomach. Harry gasped for breath and returned the punch hitting Draco upside the head.

The noise of their dispute had attracted some attention. Two tall, ginger headed orderlies in white uniforms appeared at the end of the corridor to investigate the disturbance.

Noticing the orderlies, Draco and Harry froze.

When the orderlies reached the battle ground Draco realized they were identical. The twin orderlies looked from Harry to Draco. Wicked smiles spread across their faces. "New arrival." They canted together before they captured Draco in a tight hold and lifted him off of Harry.

"Don't touch me! It's that mental defect with stick that at fault! I'm not crazy!" Draco shouted as he struggled against the twin orderlies.

"Sure." The first twin commented.

"Right." The second twin added.

Then they spoke in unison rolling their eyes. "That's what they all say." Draco grappled harder against their hold. They had grabbed him under the arms and were leading him backwards to the common room with his body still facing the end of the boy's corridor.

"Don't fuckin' touch me! This is a mistake I'm not supposed to be here. Get your hands off of me!" In response to his demands and increasing resistance the twins merely tightened their grip on his upper arms.

The squeak of Draco's shoes being dragged across the floor echoed down the corridor. "My father will hear about this." Draco fixed his eyes on the shrinking figure of the raven haired boy. Harry had retrieved his stick and was holding it aloft in front of him ready to attack. This only fueled Draco's rage.

"What about scar-head back there? He started it. Where are you taking me?" Draco continued to protest, but it was no use from his backward position.

Moments later the slamming of a door and the click of a lock signified Draco's admittance into padded hell. He was in the room Ernie had warned him about. An eight by eight room clad wall to wall in sky blue padding. Even his side of the door was padded blue except for the tiny window. Out of despair he fell to the floor face down; luckily that was padded too. He flipped himself over with a groan.

So there he was, on his first nights stay in a mental institution, locked in a room, lying spread eagle on the ground, face throbbing, and still covered in an absurd amount of blue glitter. At that moment Draco Malfoy made a vow never to eat ice cream again, while a bushy haired brunette watched him through the tiny window in the door.


	3. Still Not Crazy Or Gay

**/CHAPTER II/ Still Not Crazy (Or Gay)**

Draco didn't have the slightest idea how long he'd been captive in his padded cell. It must have been nearly three or four hours. He had a wristwatch, but of course that was no good. All he could do was stare at the ceiling of blue padding and wait.

Being the sensible person he was, he did what anyone else in his position of utter boredom would do…he began to sing.

"I'm too sexy for this room, too sexy for this room, too sexy." He wiggled on the floor in time to his song. "I'm too sexy for this padding," he rubbed the padding beneath him snow-angel style. "Too sexy for this padding, oh so sexy."

Suddenly the door swung open interrupting his song. A figure stood in the doorway, then another. It was the twin orderlies again. The mock sweetness of their voices invaded Draco's ears. "Good morning sunshine."

"We'll let you out now…" chanted one.

"…if you promise to play nicely with the other boys and girls." taunted the other.

"And sing more of that lovely, little tune." Both twins chuckled as they leaned against either side of the door frame.

_Why on earth would somebody make a matching pair of assholes?_

Draco stood up. The twins parted so he could pass through the door. As he walked by the blond observed that the orderlies had keys with I.D. badges fastened to their waste belts. 'FRED W.' read one; 'George W.' read the other.

_The 'W' must stand for jackass…wait that doesn't…I'm so tired..._

The oversized windows of the common room showed a rising sun. A gold and amber radiance penetrated the room, making a nice contrast to the fluorescent lights that lit the room only hours ago. The mismatched furniture throw shadows all about; Draco was reminded of a kaleidoscope. The room was quiet and still.

Draco had only managed to walk a few feet when the orderly named Fred put a hand on his shoulder to stop his progress.

_He's touching me again. Why are they always touching me? I know I'm good looking but man._

"What, no encore?" asked Fred faking extreme disappointment.

Draco pulled himself away from the orderly's hold. "Fuck off."

Fred folded his arms over his chest and clicked his tongue. "Somebody's not a morning person."

_You have no idea._

Meanwhile, George had crossed to the other side of the room to examine a body that was sprawled out on one of the couches. "Poor chap always forgets were his room is." Neville snored loudly.

"We'll get him after we deal with this one." Called Fred.

_This one?_

Draco turned to face Fred angrily. "The name is Draco Malfoy. And I'll have you know that my father is very rich and very powerful. I can have you fired in a matter of hours. Now give me your keys." Draco reached for Fred's ring of keys. In reaction, Fred grabbed Draco's arm and twisted it behind his back.

"Harassment! Harassment!" Draco yelled. "I'm being sexually harassed!" Fred let go of his arm so he'd shut up. George ran back over to join them.

The blond straightened himself and turned to face the twins business like. "Fine, how much?" The twins didn't answer. "You're obviously poor." He looked them up and down. _Obviously._ "Name your price."

Both orderlies remained silent. Draco tried again slower and louder this time figuring it would be best to communicate on their level.

"HOW-MUCH-GREEN-STUFF-DO-YOU-WANT-FOR-THE SHINEY-METAL-THINGS-THAT-OPEN-DOORS." _That should do it._

Fred had decided to be an ass and George jumped on the band wagon. "Green stuff? What's green stuff, George."

"I don't know Fred."

_Oh my god, they have been poor for so long they've forgotten what money is._

"Shiny metal?" Fred scratched his head as the sarcastic remarks continued.

"I'm not staying here one more minute!" Draco shouted. "I demand that you give me your keys."

"You know what George, I think he wants our keys."

"Should we give them to him Fred?"

"I don't know George."

Irritated by their condescending banter Draco reached out for George's set of keys. George merely stepped forward threateningly and Draco fell over backward onto the floor. _How is it that I always manage end up on the ground?_

The twins leaned over Draco's body entering his immediate line of sight.

"Sorry Blondie, but you're not going anywhere…"

_Blondie?_

"…except your room."

"Can I ask you guys a question?" He spoke from the flat of his back only bothering to lift his head. "Do you have to do that…the finish each others sentences thing? Is it really necessary?"

The orderlies feigned ignorance and looked at Draco suspiciously.

"We don't finish…"

"…each other's sentences."

"You must be crazy." They said this last bit together.

"I'm not CRAZY!" Draco proclaimed madly letting his head fall to the floor with a thump.

The twins didn't agree or disagree. As a matter of fact they weren't pay attention to him at all. Instead, they were both looking clear across the room. Draco hoisted himself of the ground to see what had stolen the twins' interest.

"You're up early." said one.

"What are you up to?" questioned the other.

Their comments were directed at the back of a ratty, old arm chair located near the books and games. _Now they're talking to an armchair. What exactly classifies a person as crazy around here?_

"Why the hell are you talking to that chair?" Draco demanded. He got his answer.

A girl had just emerged from behind the armchair. She stepped into rays of golden sun light which barely reached her side of the room. She held a book clutched tightly to her chest.

The orderlies both nodded. "Right."

"Should have known."

The twins understood something Draco did not.

Draco couldn't make out her expression, for bushy, brown hair blocked his view. Nor was he able to make to see her eyes. _Why won't she look at me?_ _Everyone else does._ He had never seen anyone like her.

Suddenly, the twins grabbed Draco by the arm and spoke in unison. "We'll escort you to your room now."

Draco took one last look in the girl's direction as the twins pulled him from the room…she had disappeared behind the armchair once more.

After a short walk down the boy's corridor with his twin escorts Draco stepped into a dark room. _'E' for excellent._ The orderlies shut the door behind him and immediately Draco felt tiredness envelope his body. _Who knew being accused of lunacy could take so much out of you._

His shin hit something soft and he knew it was a bed. He fell forward, flipped to a comfortable position on his side, and felt for a pillow.

_I wonder what she was reading._

Moments later he began drifting off to sleep. Suddenly his eyes fluttered open in shock. His pillow was moving.

_This can't be good._

A click sounded and lamp light filled the room. Draco had been using someone's shoulder as a pillow; and now that someone was staring at him.

Not knowing what else to do Draco leaped off the bed away from his would-be pillow. Panicked he ran around the room in a tight circle, hopped to the left, faked right, and dashed to the nearest door, which he opened and thrust himself through panting heavily.

_Thank god I didn't get under the covers._

He soon found he didn't have anywhere to go. He was in a closet. Light filtered in through wooden slats. There was a knock on the door.

Draco pretended like nothing had happened. "Who is it?" His voice was high from shock. He cleared his throat. "Who is it?" He repeated in an unnaturally low voice.

"Um, the guy you were just cuddling with." came a voice from the other side of the door.

"There was no cuddling." Draco retorted. "It was more of a platonic embrace"…_what am I saying…_

"Are you Draco Malfoy?"

"Maybe."

"Okay…far enough. I'm Blaise Zabini. If you're Draco Malfoy then I'm your roommate."

_You have got to be kidding me_. The blond let out an agitated breath. "I have a roommate?"

"Yeah…me…the guy you were just platonically embracing."

"I thought you were a pillow."

"Yea, okay." Draco had the feeling this Zabini person had just rolled his eyes.

"I'm not gay."

"Truthfully, I don't really care what your sexual orientation…"

"I won't admit anything." Draco called out. An awkward silence settled. "Okay, you smell nice…but that's all I'm going to say." Another moment passed in silence. "Fine, I admit it. I enjoyed the cuddling. So…so just…back off."

"Who could blame you? I am after all ridiculously handsome."

Draco steadily turned the doorknob and pushed the door with his hand. It squeaked open slowly, while he maintained his position firmly planted in the closet.

"I'm not gay." He stated simply to a tall boy of dark complexion who had been waiting just outside the door.

"No one said you were…now come out of the closet." _Talk about irony._

"Fine." Draco exited the closet and stood in the middle of the room. Despite being lit solely by the lamp Zabini had turned on, Draco could see the room clearly.

There was two of everything. Two lamps, two nightstands, two beds, two closets, two desks, and two chairs. On half of the room was organized to match the other. The room itself was painted a dark green and the sheets on the beds matched the walls perfectly. The furniture was all made out of the same fake, laminate wood material. Everything was generic, but looked reasonably adequate.

Zabini took a seat on his bed: the one Draco had left in such a hurry. "That would be your bed." He pointed to the other bed across the room in a superior manner. _He's right. He is ridiculously handsome._

"Yea, sorry about that." Draco noticed a trunk placed at the end of his bed. So his father had brought his belongings after all. An impending sense of permanence advanced on Draco.

"That's our bathroom," he pointed to a door that stood in-between the two beds. "This here is _my_ side of the room." Zabini's side of the room looked exactly like Draco's except for one main difference. His side was adorned with numerous mirrors that hung on the walls. "The closet you were hiding in is also mine." That had a mirror too.

"I wasn't hiding. I was startled."

"Understandable. People are normally overcome when they meet me." Zabini walked over to one of his many mirrors and looked at himself thoughtfully.

Draco, now feeling slightly at ease, moved to sit on his own bed.

"What's your story?" asked Zabini without looking away from the mirror.

"Me? Nothing, I have no story. I'm not crazy. This whole thing is one big misunderstanding that will be remedied shortly. I'll be gone within the week." Draco stared at Zabini who was now examining his profile in great detail. _Nice cheekbones._ "Are you crazy?"

"Crazy, me, please." Zabini pulled himself away from the mirror to look at Draco. "Much like you I feel my residency here is a mistake. I was sent here because I'm so damn good looking." He ran a hand through his wavy brown hair.

"Wait, I don't understand. They put you in here for being handsome?"

"They tell me I have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Frankly, I think all the doctors are just jealous." Draco couldn't argue with this logic. The guy was exceptionally good looking, which was something he could relate too.

"Haters." Draco ran a hand through his silver, blond hair.

"It really is tough being better then everyone else." Both boys sighed at the same time.

"I know exactly what you mean." replied Draco. If Draco had to have a roommate he was glad it was Zabini. _I like his hair so much._

"So, what happened to your old roommate?" Draco asked.

"I don't know. I think he got transferred to the second floor or was pronounced cured and released. A guy named Diggory, Cedric Diggory. Whatever happened to him that Potter kid was really upset the day he left. I don't know if you've met Potter."

"Stick-boy? Yea, I've met him."

"Cannot stand him personally. I know not everyone can be expected to look as good as me, but his hair is just unreasonable."

"Yep, that kid's got messy hair."

"Look at the time it's five o'clock. I'm glad you got to meet me, but I need my beauty sleep. Beauty is such a curse." Zabini retrieved a hand held mirror off his bedside table, kissed his reflection, and then laid down to sleep.

"Yea, I'm tired too." Draco only bothered to take off his shoes before he crawled into bed (checking first that no one was under the covers). When both boys were in bed Zabini turned out the light.

"Zabini."

"What?"

"You really do smell nice."

"I know."

On that note of non-gay male bonding the two roommates went to sleep.

-------------------------------------------------

"Checks." A middle-aged lady dressed in a white nurse's uniform had entered their room while they slept bringing in an absurd amount of sunlight with her. Both boys groaned as their eyes stung in frustration. "It's nine o'clock." She looked from one boy to the other. "Time for your medication."

Draco and Zabini roused from their sleepy state and sat up in their beds. _Somebody kill me. Just kill me now._

"I'm nurse Pomfrey." She explained to Draco as she began to move about the room carrying a metal tray beset with tiny, white paper cups. "I am chiefly in charge of medication distribution as well as routine checks to make sure you are well and staying out of trouble." _If you don't have coffee then you need to shut up._

She handed Zabini one of the paper cups from her tray. He lifted it to his lips and swallowed. Next she appeared at Draco's bedside and handed him a cup. Draco took it and surveyed its contents. Inside rested a blue pill and a red pill.

The nurse looked at him expectantly. "Go ahead take them." _I've seen the Matrix I'm not takin' nothin'._

"What are these?" he asked.

"That's a question for you're doctor. Now are we going to have a problem?"

"Yes." The nurse looked taken aback at his answer. "I'm not putting anything down my throat unless it was bought from a guy named Lenin, is illegal in Mexico, or is shaped like a Flintstone character."

"Mr. Malfoy you have an appointment with Dr. Sprout at eleven I suggest you take the matter up with her. Mr. Zabini will you please show Mr. Malfoy were he needs to go?"

"If I have time. I'm an extremely important person and have little time…" Zabini stopped mid sentence he had caught his reflection in a mirror and was now stroking his chin.

"Of course you are dear." said the nurse in a stern but kind voice.

"I'll take him." A hard-faced girl had appeared at the door behind nurse Pomfrey. She had shoulder length blond hair and sported a barely-there red shirt in addition to an almost non-existent pleated skirt. At the moment her eyes were planted firmly on Draco.

"Very well Miss Parkinson. Good day then." Her duties not quite fulfilled the nurse swept from the room. As she left the blond girl entered.

"Hi," she walked over to where Draco lay in his bed, stumbled, and landed on top of him. "Oopps." she giggled. She had clearly fallen on purpose.

Draco pushed her off of him as he steadied himself from their collision. She took a seat beside him on the bed. Zabini noticed none of this as he had gone into the bathroom to primp himself.

"The name's Pansy Parkinson and you are…?" she scooted closer to him.

"Draco Malfoy." Draco was used to this kind of attention, after all he was hot. _I'm to sexy for my...not now Draco._

"I like your name," she scouted even closer with a giggle. "Want to make out?"

"No, not…" she lunged on him before he could fully protest.

Just then Zabini remerged from the bathroom his hair freshly gelled. "Pansy get off of him. I have a new roommate for one minute and you're already all over him."

Pansy stopped in her attempt to rape Draco to rebuttal. "Fuck you Zabini. Why don't you go stare at yourself in the mirror some more you hideous excuse for a human being."

"Look whose talking." countered Zabini.

At this point Pansy fell to floor on her knees and burst into tears. _Why is it that when a girl cries it's so damn funny_? Both boys failed to give Pansy the attention she craved, so she got up faced Draco and slapped him where he sat hard across the face.

_Crap on a cracker that smarts._

"I thought you were the one. We could have been happy." Pansy managed to stammer through exaggerated tears.

"What are you talking about you crazy psycho?" Roared an angry Draco.

Pansy took one last look at Draco then ran from the room crying slamming the door dramatically behind her. Except the door didn't close all the way the first time, so she had to come back and do it again making the action just look silly.

Draco was awestruck. He looked at Zabini questioningly. "What the bloody hell was that all about?" He rubbed his cheek.

"Pansy thinks she's hot shit because she a Histrionic." Draco motioned with his hand for more information. "Histrionic Personality Disorder. Basically means she is an attention seeking drama queen."

_No wonder they hate each other._

"Can I ask a question?"

"Yes, she looks like a pug." _How'd he know?_

"That resemblance is just uncanny. I mean, have you looked at her? Really looked at her?"

"It's kind of hard to miss." _Damn straight._

At this point the boys parted to get ready for their day. Draco was quick with a shower and a new set of clothes. He dawned a green button down shirt, popped collar of course (_pop it like it's hot_), and his usual black slacks.

Zabini on the other hand had gone through eight different outfits finally settling on blue jeans and a tight fitting white shirt.

During the hour and a half it took Zabini to get ready Draco had come up with several nicknames for Pansy… _Pug-face_, _The Puganator_, _Puggy McPuggerson…_just to name a few.

When at last Zabini was ready he turned to Draco significantly. "Now Draco I must warn you before we go anywhere together that I am extremely good looking, so when women see me they often faint and when men see me they become insanely jealous." Zabini looked as if he was about to weep. "I'm just too damn pretty. I can't help it." _I feel his pain._

"It's okay I understand." Draco patted him on the back.

"I knew you would." He walked to his largest mirror, the one on the closet door, he beckoning Draco to follow. Both boys reflected in its surface. "We look good."

"Great my friend, great…"Draco let his voice trail of for good measure. Secretly both boys believed they were better looking but said nothing. The moment was sacred.

After simultaneously agreeing that the 'E' did indeed stand for excellent both boys ran their fingers through their hair and stepped out into the corridor.


	4. Hating Coco Puffs and Earmuffs

**/CHAPTER III/ Hating Coco Puffs and Earmuffs**

Once in the corridor the boys strutted to the common room with a superior air. _Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do, what ya gonna do when they come for you. Bad boys, bad boys._

By the look of things it was still breakfast time. Several patients were seated along the four wooden tables that composed the dining area. Among them Draco only recognized Ernie, Pansy, Potter and Neville. The remaining crazies he'd never seen before.

Zabini and Draco chose a table with only one other occupant; a thickset boy with a flat nose, bristled hair, and sunken eyes. He grunted when they took a seat. Draco ignored the new crazy as his stomach was growling.

At the center of the table rested an assortment of breakfast foods: toast, bagels, fruit, cereals, juices, milk… Draco made a face at the food, silently dubbing it inedible. "This is what they feed us?"

Zabini nodded whilst he squinted at his reflection in a metal spoon. He simultaneously licked the pinky and pointer finger of his free hand and smoothed his eyebrows.

"There is no way in hell I'm eating…" Draco stopped mid sentence eyes wide. He had spotted treasure among the unpalatable mass of hospital food. _Lucky charms, hells yea bitch!_

He seized the box of cereal. _There is a god._ "Cup me." Zabini set down his spoon and placed a styrofoam cup in Draco's hand like a nurse assisting a surgeon. Carefully Draco opened the box and tipped it over, nothing came out. He shook it…still nothing. He looked in the box practically sticking his head inside. _Foiled again!_

Furious, Draco launched the empty box across the room. It hit Ernie in the back of the head, who subsequently stood up and sat down five times.

_Blast that leprechaun and his marshmallowy goodness._

"There's coco puffs." Zabini offered.

"Fuck coco puffs."

The thickset boy at the table turned to Draco and stared at him dumbly.

"Hello-o," the blond waved his hand in front of the guy's face, "earth to asshole with the staring problem." He threw his styrofoam cup at the crazy. It bounced off. The boy didn't move. "Why's he staring at me?" asked Draco of Zabini.

"That's what he does. Not the brightest chap."

Exactly two minutes later the crazy touched the spot on his forehead where Draco had hit him with the cup. "Ouch! That hurt."

"Does he have some kind of reaction slash timing disorder? Is that why he's in here?"

"No, he's just dumb." Shrugged Zabini. "Actually he's got a dissociative identity disorder. Watch this. Hey, Crabbe." The crazy didn't respond. Zabini tried another name. "Goyle?"

The boy answered this time. "What?"

"Lucky charms or coco puffs?"

"Lucky charms." _Good man, good man._

Zabini waited a moment. "Hey Crabbe."

The boy changed his facial expression slightly. "What?"

"Lucky charms or coco puffs?"

"Um…definitely, coco puffs."

Draco looked at the boy who assumed two different identities and then spoke. "What's that feeling?" He asked sarcastically. "Oh right, it's what you feel like when you don't give a shit." With that being said he returned to his food dilemma. "If I can't have lucky charms there at least has to be coffee somewhere."

"They won't give us coffee. Besides, coffee stains your teeth and gives you wrinkles." Zabini shuddered violently.

_No coffee!_ Then Draco remembered Creevey and thought this was best.

_Oh, man. She's staring at me again._ Since the moment Draco sat down Pansy Parkinson had been stealing obvious glances at him. Draco, realizing this, decided to shake the psycho off by flirting with another girl. He stood up and simply brushed his hair out of his eyes in the direction of a girl two tables over with large dark eyes and long black hair.

The girl blushed madly. Zabini looked at Draco impressed. Draco shrugged. "I've got mad skills." He blow on his hand and rubbed his chest characteristically. _Chickies dig the Dracie._

Jealous, Pansy abandoned her pervious seat to sit next to Draco.

"Can I help you?" asked Draco covering his face. _Please don't slap me, please don't slap me._ Pansy took hold of his hands and lowered them from his face passionately.

"It's okay Draco." She comforted. "We don't have to hide our love anymore." She hooked herself to his lower torso and attempted to kiss him. _Bitch is crazy_. He fought against her needy hands and pursed lips. Pansy clung tighter. "I've told every one we're boyfriend and girlfriend." _Say what._

He reached out and grabbed the box of Coco Puffs. "Get away from me WOMAN!" He started beating her with the cereal box in an attempt to remove her from his waist.

Pansy struggled to maintain her grip and argued her point. "We…"

Smack.

"...belong…"

Smack.

"…together!"

Smack. The top of the cereal box popped open and coco puffs flew everywhere. Draco tossed his broken weapon aside, grabbed Pansy by the shoulders and shook her.

"WOMAN! Get a hold of yourself!" He slapped her on across the face like a silent movie actor. _Payback's a Bitch_. Pansy slipped out of Draco's hands and pretended to faint slumping over on the table.

After several minutes of Draco's neglect she sat up. "Why aren't you help me, I'm your girlfriend?"

"I'm sorry I don't date dogs, or people who look like them."

Pansy began to cry and then ran from the room shouting dramatically. "I never loved you anyway."

Freed Draco turned to Zabini who was combing his hair meticulously with a fork. "Does she always run from the room like that?"

"Pretty much." Draco accepted this and moved on.

"Man I'm hungry." He rubbed his stomach.

"Suck it up and eat the coco puffs."

"NO! I will not suck-it-up!" He looked at Zabini with disgust. "Coco puffs don't come in amusing little shapes. I'm talking hearts, stars, horses, clovers, and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and…" He paused for dramatic affect. "…the red balloon. Coco puffs...they're just chocolaty balls, Bini."

Zabini lowered the fork and shook his head in agreement. "True dat, true dat."

"Furthermore, coco puffs are not magically delicious!"

"Magic!" Harry Potter, who had been talking to a dreamy eyed girl with long, blond hair three tables over, stood up and pulled out his stick. _Fuck._ Luckily, at precisely that moment a loud banging captured everyone's attention, including nurse Pomfrey who emerged from the girl's corridor with her metal tray.

The sound was clearly coming from the boy's corridor. Everyone ran to the mouth of the boy's corridor to see what was going on. _It's a crazy stampede._ On the other hand, Zabini and Draco coolly proceeded to the entrance pushing to the front of the crowd when they arrived.

In the corridor stood a solitary figure. It was a girl knocking agitatedly on one of the boy's doors. However, it wasn't just any girl it was…_Book girl_.

"Ron, open this door right now." the brunette demanded. It was the same girl from earlier that morning. She still carried the same book.

Seconds later a tall, gangly boy with fiery red hair emerged into the hallway. "What's wrong with you?" was the first thing out of his mouth.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?" She was clearly upset.

Draco, Zabini, as well as all the other crazies decided to watch the ensuing chaos. Well actually Zabini began to play with his hair, but Draco was interested. _Fight, fight, fight, fight…_

"How could you?" She got right up in his face. "How is it that you always manage to ruin everything? Just leave me alone, Ron." The girl had hit a nerve. The red head launched into a fit of blind rage.

"What did I ruin, Hermione? Huh, what was it? I saved you!"

She raised her voice to match his. "Saved me from what?"

"He was only using you!" He gestured violently desperate for her to understand.

"And you don't?" She threw her book at the red head. It hit him square in the face and fell to the floor. _Nice shot._

Hurt, he put a hand to his face. "That's different and you know it!"

The brunette didn't yell anymore opting instead to speak plainly. "I don't care if he was using me…" her voice broke, "I was happy."

"You're never happy, Hermione!" _Oh, snap_. His words were loud, direct, and harsh. Silence followed. The statement was clearly fact.

Having realized the affect of his words and the crowd of people, the red head lowered his voice to just above a whisper. He shook his head unbelieving. "You weren't happy." He said it more to himself then to her as if his life depended on him being right.

He lifted his blue eyes to her. She looked directly at him.

"You're not worth it." The words fell from her lips.

Next thing Draco knew, the read head disappeared from the corridor slamming a door in her face. The girl stood there, just stood there. She wasn't crying…she wasn't anything...she just occupied space.

Then without warning she made to leave the corridor heading straight for the throng of gathered people. The crowd parted. The girl rushed passed Draco bumping into his upper arm. He locked eyes with her briefly as she looked up to see who she'd hit. It lasted for only a moment then she returned her gaze to the ground leaving him with no choice but to stare.

He watched her progress and saw Potter rush after her. Draco shifted uncomfortably. She was long gone and the crowd had dissipated by the time he found his voice. "Who was that girl?" Zabini and him were the only one's left in the corridor.

"What?" Zabini was distractedly playing with his hair, adding volume by bending over and flipping back his hair on the journey upward.

"The girl, who was she."

"Oh, her. Hermione Granger."

"And what was that all about?"

"Who cares about people as unattractive as them when we can talk about me?"

"We'll, talk about you in a second, but first, Granger."

Zabini looked put out but gave into Draco's request. "Recently we had interns here from different parts of the world. This Bulgarian, right, he has this thing for Granger but it's no good cause he's a doctor. So, Ron Weasley goes into one of his epic mood swings and informs practically everyone. Needless to say, intern Krum as well as the rest of the interns were asked to leave the hospital. They left yesterday. But, who really gives a shit. There was this one intern from France…"

"What did you say the guy's name was?" Draco interrupted.

"Ron Weasley."

"You're kidding." Something had dawned on Draco. "His dad works for my father. I knew the father was bonkers but his son."

"More then just his son. Ron has two other brother's who are in here as well. His brother Charley is on the fifth floor. He's schizophrenic like the Potter kid, sees dragons or something. His brother Percy used to be in this ward but was released. I think they said he works at McDonalds now."

"Seriously?"

"Why else do you think Fed and George Weasley took jobs here? Their brother Bill also works here. Guess they feel obligated to help considering most of their family is nuts." _Talk about keepin' it in the family._

Before Draco could enquire any further someone tapped on his shoulder. "Mr. Malfoy." Draco turned around to see who was touching him. He jumped…it was Mrs. McGonagall. _Nasty_. "You're late. You had an appointment at eleven with Dr. Sprout. Do we need to assign you a personal attendant?"

Draco didn't respond. The secretary sighed heavily then grabbed him by the ear and forced him from the corridor. Zabini gave Draco a solute in the form of a hair flip as he was dragged away.

Draco soon found himself in the numbered hallway. He watched Mrs. McGonagall head back to her reception office and pulled open the door marked five. He stepped into a small office. At first glance he thought he was in the wrong place, for the space was primarily dominated with a hefty number of plants.

From the ceiling alone hung a variety of wild flowers; mostly yellow in color. Straight ahead along the sill of a square window a row of cactuses balanced. To the right a couch was dwarfed by two potted palm trees that rested on either side. To the left was a desk topped with petit ferns and aloe plants. A floral rug covered the floor.

A plump woman spun around behind the desk upon hearing Draco enter. From her attire Draco could have mistaken her for another plant. She set a watering can down on the desk. "Hello, I'm Dr. Sprout it's nice to meet you Draco. Go ahead and take a seat on the couch." Draco moved into the room and plopped down on the couch. The doctor gave him a quick smile. _Don't smile at me your clearly evil_.

"In here you should feel free to say whatever you want. In here it's just you and me. We just ignore all outside influences. I like to think of it like putting earmuffs on. You just tune out the rest of the world."

She balled her hands and made the motion of putting pretend earmuffs on, cupping her ears animatedly. _Whack job_. She watched Draco expecting him to follow suit. "Go ahead put your earmuffs on."

"No." He blinked.

"Come now, put them on."

"Uh…no," he cleared his throat. "No, I'm good."

"Oh, come on."

"No, I'm fine thanks."

"Do it." Her voice now turned commanding.

"No." _This is feakin' ridiculous._

She looked at him sharply. "Earmuffs on."

"I said I'm fine."

"Just put the earmuffs on." She mimicked putting earmuffs on again.

Draco's reply came in the form of shouting. "I DON'T WANT TO PUT THE STUPID EARMUFFS ON!"

The doctor gave him a rough smile teaming with rudeness. "Very well." Dr. Sprout was clearly miffed. _Let the games begin._

The doctor fished a chart from out of her desk. "So, let's start with why you think you're here." Draco said nothing. "Okay," she changed the question, "tell me about yourself."

"I am Batman."

The doctor looked taken aback. She glanced at his chart confused. "Since when?"

"Since I fell down a well and had a fling with a bat." said Draco boldly.

"Well…If your batman whose your sidekick?" The doctor decided to play along.

"Superman because he sucks and no one else will play with him."

"Your nickname?"

"I'm also referred to as Earmuff Man." _Chew on that tasty piece of information lard-ass._

"What's your secret identity?"

"I'm not at liberty to reveal that. Especially to dikes like you."

_Go ahead ask another question. I dare you._

The doctor had experience with difficult patients. She changed the subject. "It say's here," she looked at the chart, "you wouldn't take your medication this morning."

"Nope, I only take drugs when they're illegal." He was determined to make their meeting as horrible for her as it was annoying for him.

"From now on you will be taking the medication prescribed by your doctors. The blue pill will calm you, and the red pill, hopefully, will correct a chemical imbalance."

She had crossed the line. "I do not have a chemical imbalance."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"You do."

"I don't."

"Yes."

"No." The doctor realized what he was doing and composed herself.

"The medication is for your benefit it will…"

"Am I on Punk'd? Is that what this is all about?" He looked at her for conformation. "That has to be the only explanation." He got up from the couch and began to search the room. "You can come out now Ashton…" He peeked behind one of the palm trees. "…I may even let you touch me." He dropped to the ground and lifted up the corner of the floral rug. "Come out, come out where ever you are."

"Do you think this is a joke?"

"Yes. Because _me,_" he let the rug fall to the ground with a plop,"being in an insane asylum is pointless."

"Why is it pointless?" _I swear to god if she asks one more question…_

He stood and began yelling. "It's pointless because I'm not crazy! My father did this too me!"

"Why are you yelling?"

He threw his hands up in frustration and pace the room. "Because I'm angry!" _Dumbass._

"So, you're angry at your father."

The blond stepped forward and slammed his hands down on the desk. Dr. Sprout jumped in shock. "No, I'm angry at _you_."

"Me, why me?"

Draco, keeping his hands firmly planted on the desk, stared deeply at the women. "Cause honestly from what I have seen over the past few minutes I think it's safe to assume that you're a hypercritical bitch." He delivered his words like a psychiatrist. Mocking her with all the disrespect he could muster. "Who, judging by your weird obsession with plants, has never been laid properly in her entire life. Which is most likely due to the fact that when you were young your parents used the analogy of 'watering a garden' to elucidate the concept of sex."

_Earmuff that bitch._

He picked up his hands from the desk, took a step back, and continued his rant. "Frankly, I think it's safe to say that you're the one who should be seeking psychiatric help not me."

The discomfort that dominated Dr. Sprout's features only proved he was right. The doctor opened her mouth to reply.

"I haven't finished." He cut her off savagely. "And you're ugly." He settled himself back down on the couch definitively and yawned as though bored. "Now I'm done." His gray eyes flashed as a smirk settled across his face. _I win._

The doctor just sat at her desk entirely shaken. She put her plump little hands to her temples then folded them neatly on her desk.

"Do you care about anyone?"

_Duh…_

"Myself." answered the callous blond. He stared at her in cold confusion. He didn't know what she was getting at. He'd just crushed her.

She closed her eyes momentarily and then asked the question of him again. "Is there anyone you care about?"

He touched his upper arm briefly. A pair of brown eyes flashed through his mind

"No."

He hadn't won after all.


	5. When it Rains it Pours

**/CHAPTER IV/ When It Rains It Pours**

Following his unfortunate heart-to-heart with Dr. Sprout, Draco's desire to escape had increased ten fold. _I'm not staying here if I'm to be psychoanalyzed by a deranged plant whore, assaulted with a stick, molested by a pug, and made to eat coco sucks. I'm just not doing it._ _Not to mention, being sexually harassed by twins - that is not how the fantasy was supposed to go…_ He pounded a path toward the common room hoping to put as much space between him and Dr. Sprout as possible.

Once in the common room Draco made his way to the television area. Ernie and Neville were sitting on the burgundy plaid couch and the telly was being flicked on and off repeatedly. The blond took a seat on the arm of the couch.

Irritated, Draco turned to the person controlling the tv's erratic behavior. "Ernie, is it really necessary to click the television on and off after every commercial." Without waiting for an answer Draco grabbed the remote control from Ernie, smacked him with it, and then began clicking through the channels fervently.

_Please let there be Life Time...Noooooooooo! What kind of sick hell hole sadist torture chamber doesn't have television for women?_

"I think I was watching that." said Neville to a distraught Draco.

Draco looked at him as though he was a bug that needed smashing. "Did I say you could speak to me?"

"Maybe. I don't remember."

"I didn't so shut up."

Just beyond Neville's head Draco spotted Colin Creevey. He had just entered the common room and was bouncing toward the arts and crafts at the cabinet Draco recalled held the glitter. _Oh no you don't_. Remembering the horrible blue glitter incident Draco sent the remote flying through the air. It hit Colin on the side of the head with a loud thump. The small boy fell over. _Ten points!_ The remote laid beside Colin busted into several pieces.

Mission accomplished, Draco turned back to the tv screen. The telly was now stuck on one channel. _SHIT! I'm not getting up to change the channel manually._ The tv was less then two feet away.

"Seventh Heaven?" He stared at the screen with growing agitation. "I'm not watching this bull shit. The show is completely unbelievable. No one in their right mind would have seven children."

Draco's comment about family size had attracted the attention of one Ronald Weasley who was playing chess nearby. "What's that supposed to mean!"

Draco turned to the livid red head. _So Mr. Weasel's son wants to play. It's go time. _He sprang into verbal action. "I merely mean to say that your family's fucked up Weasley."

Ron left his chess game and stomped over to the sitting blond. Draco stood up from the arm of the couch to greet his opponent. The two were now standing face to face. They were the same height.

_This is almost exactly like Springer we've already got an unconscious midget, _(he meant Creevey)…_now all we need is a transgender nun._

At that moment nurse Pomfrey hurried into the common room. _Close enough._

Draco smirked. "Your parents shouldn't even be allowed to breed weasel." He looked Ron up and down. "Especially after you. You're quite the little fucker."

Ron stared Draco down in cold furry. "Take that back."

"You can't take back what is fact weasel. It's not my fault that your mother's a whore and your father's to stupid to notice."

Ron didn't reply although his face tinted a deep shade of red. _Man, I'm good._

"Let me guess…" Draco continued his barrage of insults. "…you're here because you're the first recorded case of actual Male P.M.S."

"I'm here because I'm bipolar you asshole!"

"Boys!" Called nurse Pomfrey as she scampered toward them in an attempt to stop their verbal dispute. "This has to stop immediately or I shall call Mr. Filch."

Ron didn't listen to her threat his blue eyes focused only on the cruel blond before him. "Don't think I don't know who you are. You're just as despicable and arrogant as your father Malfoy. Just because you're rich you think you're better then me do you?"

"Actually, I know I'm better then you."

This was the final straw. Ron lunged at Draco sending him tumbling over the arm of the couch. _Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! _Ernie and Neville moved out of the way and the boys landed one on top of the other._ Why do all the Weasley's insist on touching me?_ Nurse Pomfrey ran off to fetch Mr. Filch in a panic.

Amused by the red heads action Draco started laughing. _I can't believe it I'm being strattled by a Weasley._

"Shut your mouth." challenged Ron as he seized Malfoy by the collar of his shirt and slammed his head down against the plaid cushioning of the couch. Draco didn't stop laughing.

"What's so damn funny Malfoy?"

"Has anyone ever told you that your face turns bright red when you're angry?" Still laughing Draco lifted a hand to touch Ron's cheek. Ron slapped it away.

"At least I'm not pasty white."

_Oh no you didn't_. Draco stopped laughing then spoke with indignation. "I'm not pasty white! I'm marvelously pale you sorry excuse for a tomato."

"Did you just call me a tomato?"

"Why, yes. Yes I did."

Ron made ready to punch Draco, raising his hand threateningly into the air. Draco closed his eyes preparing for impact. It never came. Draco cautiously blinked his eyes open. Ron's hand had been caught mid swing by an old man clad in a white uniform who sported lamp-like eyes.

"Are you two boys done playing kissy face?" sneered the old man.

"I deny these wild allegations!" Protested Draco firmly underneath Ron's weight.

Ron looked down at Draco strangely. "He was joking."

"Right, I knew that." Draco nodded his head to prove his honesty. _Oh it was joke…_he frowned…_I still don't get it._

The old man lifted Ron off of Draco. As a result Ron toppled to the floor cursing madly under his breath. Draco sat up as he adjusted his now tussled hair.

_Hair spray, I need hair spray stat_. Luckily, he had some in his pocket. _Travel size, bitch._ _That's right_. He wipped a miniature bottle out of his pocket like a cowboy drawling a gun.

Ron breathed huffily on the floor as Draco fixed his hair. Both nurse Pomfrey and the old man eyed them reproachfully. "I think we're going to have to separate you two." said the old man with a crooked leer. Nurse Pomfrey lifted Ron off the ground and piloted him back to his deserted chess game while Draco was led to the opposite side of the room by who he assumed was Mr. Filch.

Mr. Filch guided Draco to the arts and crafts area. "Take a seat." he commended. Draco just stared at him unbelieving. _He has got to be joking._

"You are to stay twenty feet away from Mr. Weasley, which means the best place for you is over here."

Draco sat down indignantly at the small wooden table Filch had motioned to. "I do not _art_ and I certainly do not _craft_." He stated with an air of finality. _Although I'm not opposed to finger painting under the right circumstances._

"Well, you better get used…" Suddenly Mr. Filch noticed the unconscious Creevey on the ground and discontinued their conversation to investigate.

Draco had settled next to a sandy hair boy who wore a t-shirt with the Irish flag. The boy looked at him. Draco grinned at him. _Hey, fuck you buddy_. The boy returned to doodling fiercely on a piece of paper. Draco leaned over to see what he was drawling.

_Bloody hell. This guy is seriously fucked up_. It was hard to tell what the picture was of exactly, but one thing was clear…everything in the picture was in flames. _Goody, goody gum drops. I think I found me self a pyro._

Then Draco's attention settled back onto Mr. Filch. He was talking to the comatose Creevey. "Mr. Creevey get up off the floor." That's when Draco spotted the shattered remote on the floor. _Light bulb. Ding!_

Draco got up from the table and nonchalantly headed for the broken remote. He casually picked it up.

_I'm a freakin' GENIUS. Good looking and smart…I'll rule the world. Oprah better watch herself._

Then Draco walked over to a nearby art strewn wall. He ripped down a picture of a penguin whose creator had made him purple instead of the customary black.

Once back at the wooden table, Draco took the broken remote in one hand and the retarded penguin in the other. Using the wires from the remote he created a spark. _Purple penguin's about to burn. _He repeated this sparking process a few more times till the purple penguin ignited in a brilliant solitary flame. _That little square of white paper signifying an iceberg won't save you now._

"Sweet." Breathed the sandy haired boy who had been watching Draco in complete admiration.

Draco handed off the burning penguin as well as his trusted miniature can of hair spray (_never leave the house without it) _to the excited boy. He smirked as he removed himself from the table. "Have fun now."

The sandy haired boy made short work of the nearby pile of construction paper, and soon there was a small multicolored fire blazing. Nurse Pomfrey who was still talking to Ron screamed when she become aware of the flames. The scream startled Mr. Filch who then registered the problem and leapt into action leaving Creevey still unconscious on the floor.

All Draco could do was laugh, and laugh his ass off he did.

The pyromaniac now headed for the cupboard with the glitter. _Bonus!_

"Who gave Mr. Finnegan matches!" screeched a distressed nurse Pomfrey as she rushed to assist Mr. Filch in his efforts to fight the blaze of craft materials.

Thoroughly pleased with his work, Draco left the ensuing chaos eager to disappear into his own room. He slipped away into the boy's corridor and headed for the door labeled 'E'.

"Not the tissue paper!" Was the last shout Draco heard from the now distant common room.

_It's getting hot in here so take off all your clothes. _He started to undo his green shirt one button at a time as he walked. _I'm gettin' so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off._ Overcome by song Draco began to dance booty and all. His fight with Ron, 'down for the count' Creevey, and the cutn' paste infernohad cheered him up considerably.

As he shimmed down the corridor his foot kicked something on the ground. _Huh?_ That something then proceeded to slide across the linoleum. Immediately, Draco stopped droppin' it like it was hot and followed the object with his eyes. It was a book…_her_ book. The one she had thrown at Weasel. It lay on the ground apparently forgotten. He approached it and read the title. _Catcher in the Rye._ Curious, he picked it up and shuffled the book open to a random page…

_Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it - the same night, as a matter of fact._

He closed the book with a sharp snap. _What is this girl reading?_

Just then the sound of footsteps became apparent. He was no longer the only person in the corridor. None other then Hermione Granger was making her way down the hall. Panicked, he quickly shoved the book down the front of his trousers. His facial expression became one of slight bemusement. _That feels different._

The brunette walked swiftly swinging her arms instead of her hips. Draco leaned against a nearby door looking rather suave. In his usual enticing manner he brushed blond hair out of his eyes. _Look at me, look at me, look at me_. She walked right past him.

Confused by his inability to charm her with his silver, blond locks and his partially unbuttoned shirt he decided on a new approach. He took off a shiny black shoe and threw it over her head. It landed directly in front of her hitting the floor with a muffled thump.

Hermione stopped several feet ahead, her back to him.

_That's right turn around. You know you can't resist._

She turned around slowly to face him. Her features were plain and her expression was neutral.

"I'm Draco Malfoy." He smirked.

"I know who you are."

_Good. Less work for me._

"You're that jerk who punched Harry."

_Okay, more work._

Granger made to continue down the corridor. Draco hurried after her choosing to walk right behind the brunette. Annoyed she stopped walking and turned to face him once more.

"Are you following me?"

"Yes."

"Well don't." She walked past him and headed back the way she came.

Draco continued to follow _Miss Thing_ copying her change of direction. "Why not?"

"Because only a horrible person would do what you did to Harry, and I don't consort with people who have no principles of morality."

_She wants me._

Hermione changed her direction again as did Draco. "Why are you walking up and down the boy's corridor?" asked Draco ignoring her previous comment.

She breathed heavily scanning the floor with her eyes as she paced. "I'm looking for something."

"You're search is over…" Draco announced stylishly knowing full well what she meant. "I'm right here." He jumped in front of her and pointed to himself mustering all the sex appeal he could.

She pushed passed him. "Stop talking to me." _Ooh, feisty._

"Fine." He silently continued to walk behind her.

She looked over her shoulder her plain features highlighted with distaste. "Are you smelling me?" _Just a little bit._

"No."

"Stop following me."

"Fine." He stood still and watched her continue to walk up and down the corridor.

Hermione processed his action. "Okay, that's it." She'd enough of the blond. "What? What, do you want?" They stood only feet apart.

"Funny you should ask…" He began to reach into his pants.

She held up her hands for him to stop. "Never mind don't answer that." She began to walk away for good this time.

_Quick. Do something before she leaves_. He withdraw his hand from his pants and bent over to take his other shoe off.

He stood up shoe in hand only to find she had returned and was standing right in front of him. "Don't you dare throw that shoe at me!" Her cheeks were pink with fury and her nose was slightly scrunched.

"I wasn't going to throw it." Countered Draco. She eyed him suspiciously and then turned on her heel to leave. _Or was I mawha ha ha_. He made to throw the shoe at her. Too late she had rounded on him. Brown eyes met gray. Startled he dropped the shoe.

He raised an eyebrow at her action and then smirked. "I've been bad. Go ahead, spank me."

Hermione didn't spank him. Instead she yelled. "What is wrong with you?"

_Quick, change the subject._

"What's wrong with Potter is the real question?"

Hermione spoke quickly and angrily. "His parents died in a car crash!" Draco wasn't expecting this answer. But, yet he didn't care.

"I can't be blamed for punching the kid. Potter was making an ass of himself. I had to put a stop to it."

Granger's facial expression turned murderous. "He's sick." she spat.

"He was waving a stick at me."

"You told him his scar was magic marker."

"It was."

"That's not the point." Hermione couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Oh, so it's okay for Potter to act a fool because he's crazy. But, it's not okay for me, someone who isn't crazy, to grab your ass."

"What?"

Draco folded his arms over his chest pretending to be truly offended. "See I knew it. So typical."

She was confused. "I never said…"

"So I can grab your ass?"

"No!" Hermione tried to get back on topic. "Harry acts that way in order to cope with his parents' death."

"Why can't he cope with things the normal way? Like I do. With Sex, Drugs, and Alcohol. I don't feel the need to go around pretending to be a wizard."

"Well we can't all be as perfect as you." _I know…sad really._

Draco took a step toward her and then went quiet. The book in his trousers had shifted awkwardly.

Hermione looked at his crotch. _About time._ "What's in your pants?"

"Want to find out?" Draco smirked.

"God, you're arrogant."

"God you're a bitch."

"And you're not?" _Did she just call me a bitch?_

Draco shook his head the busy haired girl was getting to him. "Do you want your book or not?" he questioned.

Realization dawned on her. "Why did you put my book in your pants?"she asked incredulous.

"Because things that women own generally gravitate there."

"Take my book out of your pants!"

"Come and get it."

Hermione started tapping her foot on the linoleum exasperatedly. "I can't believe I'm even having this conversation with you." _You know you like it._ "Just give me my book."

"I told you…come and get it."

"Grow up."

"Well, if you don't want your book..." It was now Draco's turn to threaten leaving. He walked a few steps.

She gave in. What can I say the girl likes books. "Oh, for goodness sake. Fine. Fine. All right."

_Holy shit. She's really going to stick her hand down my pants. Who's your daddy!_

Hermione walked over to a smiling Draco. She put her hand to his lower stomach preparing to reach for her book. Then pulled it away quickly, for it had started raining.

_DAMN IT!_

It wasn't just raining it was pouring. Draco looked up frustrated. The indoor sprinkler system had kicked on. Apparently, both Mr. Filch and nurse Pomfrey had been unable to stop Mr. Finnegan in time.

_Curse that purple penguin._

Draco noticed Hermione was looking up too. She didn't have the expected girly reaction of 'Oh my god my hair'. She just stood there feeling the water hit her skin.

The two of them were only inches apart water falling all around them, each one breathing heavily. On all sides patients were emerging from their rooms to see what was going on. Most patients immediately withdraw back into their doorways while others ran around screaming and playing in the falling water. (Harry Potter was running around saying something about mermaids and then started trying to rescue a Korean girl who was crying hysterically.)

Nurse Pomfrey ran into the hallway trying to manage the pandemonium. "It's alright. Don't panic. False alarm everything is under control. The water will be off shortly. We will not be evacuating." Her words didn't help. The commotion only became magnified and multiplied.

Draco and Hermione stood still among the madness. The quiet noise of the overhead silver sprinklers became rhythmic as water sprayed this way and that.

Draco's half unbuttoned shirt was sticking to him and his wet, bond hair hung down in front of his eyes. Hermione's now wetcurls stuck to one side of her face and settled lamely on her shoulders. _How is her hair still frizzy?_ Water droplets fall down her face, catching in her eyelashes before they continued their journey. Draco was suddenly thirsty.

The water stopped. He took a step closer to her. Hermione walked away.

"What about your book?" Draco called after her. She didn't answer just held up her hand as if the say 'you keep it'. Draco watched her figure saunter down the hall till she disappeared.

_At least she was wearing a white t-shirt._

Barefoot and soaking wet, Draco went to his room and slammed the door shut. The room was dry as was his roommate. _They don't have water sprinklers in our rooms. Good to know._

Zabini seemed unaware of both the fire and the hallway rain shower. He pulled his eyes away from one of his mirrors to see who had entered. He glanced at his wet roommate.

"Is that a book in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

"Book."

Draco retrieved the now wet novel from his slacks and threw it onto his bed. He then reclined against the back of the door and slowly slid to a sitting position on the ground. His damp body squeaking as it went. For whatever reason, at that moment Draco decided he needed some sex rules of his own.

_Rule # 1: Never ever…under any circumstances…let someone named Granger put her hands near or down your pants._

After that, despite already being wet, Draco opted for a cold shower.

* * *

NOTE: The novel Catcher in the Rye was written by J.D. Salinger. The quote used above can be found in chapter nine of the text. 

**And may I just say that I have THE BEST REVEIWERS EVER. You guys are wicked cool and bloody brilliant all at the same time. Thanks for all the wonderfully inspirational reviews. I'm delighted to here you guys are laughing.**


	6. Group Therapy Part 1

A/N: Yes, I'm back and I figured I should probably finish this story. So here is another chapter.

**/CHAPTER V/ Group Therapy (Part One) **

How Draco had gotten there he didn't know. Yet, there he was the following day trapped in a room behind door three of the numbered hallway. He sat in a combination plastic/metal chair grouped in a circle with ten other crazies. He'd counted. _One crazy, two crazy, three crazy, four… _

The room was small and just cold enough to be irritating.The only light streaked in through a set of dark green, plastic blinds covering a solitary window. This light illuminated the stark, grey walls as well as minute dust particles that floated through the air. Draco watched intently as one particular spec of dust settled on the tip of his nose.

_I have got to get out of this mental institution before I go insane. Must escape, must escape…MUST ESCAPE_

To Draco's right sat Zabini (_the hair miracle_), and unfortunately to his left sat Pansy (_pug face_) Parkinson. Draco decided to ask Zabini what was going down. "Two questions, Bini. Why the hell are we here? And what the hell are we waiting for?"

"We are here for group therapy. And we are waiting for the doctor." said Zabini whilst trying to part his hair exactly thirty degrees to the left.

"I see." Draco narrowed his eyes impatiently and looked about the circle of crazies. The remaining chairs were occupied by patients he had encountered recently. The only patients Draco didn't know by name were two girls. He wasn't concerned with that though because directly across the circle from him sat 'Miss Thing' herself. _Well, well, well…Granger, Granger. _

Draco watched fixedly as Hermione Granger talked heatedly with one Ron Weasley. They were obviously having some sort of argument again. The blond made his best attempt at subtle cross room eavesdropping.

_Ooooh, round two Granger vs. Weasley. I wonder what would happen if I asked for popcorn. _

Potter, who sat between Ron and Hermione, seemed to be playing the intermediary. "Would you two please stop fighting?" said Harry while putting his hands up to partition the squabbling pair. "This is really getting old."

"We wouldn't need to fight if Hermione just said sorry." Ron folded his arms over his chest angrily.

Hermione leaned over Harry to counter Ron's remark. "I will not apologize to you. In case you didn't realize I'm mad at you RONALD WEASLEY."

_Ouch, full name. _

"Just because you're mad doesn't mean you have the right to throw a book at me," scoffed Ron his face growing red. "Let alone in front of everyone."

Hermione pursed her lips defiantly. "I wouldn't have to throw a book at you if you would just stay out of my personal business."

"I wouldn't have to interfere in your personal business if you weren't going after older men."

"I wouldn't have to go after older men if a certain SOMEONE would have just told me they might possibly have feelings for me…"

_Wait, what did I just miss?_

"…because maybe I have feelings for that person too."

_Back up. Hold on. Time out. _

Both Ron and Harry looked at Hermione oddly. An awkward silence settled between the three as they began to fathom what Hermione's confession might mean for their group. Draco, on the other hand, was anxiously awaiting more details. _Who? What? When? Where? _His eavesdropping, however, proved fruitless as the trio was no longer conversing.

_So let me get this straight there is something going on between Granger and one of those two assholes. How can she like one of them._

Draco needed the four-one-one and he needed it now. "Bini?" He turned to his soul brother for support.

Zabini was still trying to perfectly part his glistening locks. Draco put a hand to the outrageously good-looking boy's shoulder and began to whisper. "What's the deal with those three?" He stealthily motioned to the hushed trio with a head shake.

Zabini stopped separating individual hairs to answer Draco's question. "The three of them are like best friends." He spoke in a soft voice to echo Draco's attempt at discretion.

"And…" Draco prompted wanting more.

"I don't know. They are just always fighting. It's what they do."

"And…"

Zabini looked straight at the persistent blond. "And what?"

"Whose fucking who?"

"What?

"Which one of those two idiots does Granger like?"

Zabini looked at Draco to make sure he was serious and then started laughing. The blond looked at him in return with intense distain. _What the hell is so fuckin' funny?_

Sensing Draco's aggravation Zabini stopped laughing to clarify, once again returning to a confidential tone. "Well, isn't it obvious? I mean, the whole hospital knows. You'd have to be delusional not to know which of those three are eventually going to 'hook up'." Zabini made air-quotes with his fingers to punctuate the phrase 'hook up'.

Draco was getting frustrated and found it increasingly hard to keep his voice to a whisper. "Just tell me which one Granger fancies!?"

"Okay, man. Just chill. Do you have any idea what stress does to your pores?" Zabini touched his face self-consciously and then continued. "Granger has a 'thing' (air-quotes again) for –"

"AAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Before Zabini could finish his sentence and reveal to Draco this crucial information, he was cut short by Draco's own shout.

You see, while Draco had been getting the low down from Zabini, the nearby Pansy Parkinson had covertly put her hand to the blonde's thigh and was slowly progressing upward. Hence, the outcry.

Luckily instinct kicked in and Draco was able to quickly slap her hand away. "Damn it woman! Don't touch me." Draco placed his hands protectively over his groin. _That's my special place._

Pansy licked her lips suggestively and growled from the seat next to him. Draco felt his stomach turn. "Are you trying to make me throw up?" he demanded putting a hand to his stomach.

A huge, compassionate smile spread over Pansy's face highlighting her dog-like features. "You have butterflies in your stomach. That's sooooooo sweet. You love me!"

_Oh, for fucks sake. Here we go again._

Pansy continued on in her overdramatic style. "You love me, you truly do. We need to let the whole world know! This is sooooo going on my Myspace. IN A RELATIONSHIP!"

Pansy reached over and hugged Draco as if he was a giant plush teddy bear in her excitement. Draco objected by recupping his crotch and wiggling fiercely in her vice-like grip. He just barely managed to turn to his right for help. "Bini, could you do me a favor?"

"No, I will not switch seats with you."

"Damn it."

Unsettled by Pansy's overtly sexual advances (_I don't know where she's been_) and Myspace talk Draco decided on the best course of action. He uncupped his balls, preyed himself from Pansy's grip, jumped out of his seat, and furiously marched to stand directly in front of Pansy grabbing either side of the back of her chair.

Unfortunately, this elicited a moan from the pug-faced girl. "Oh, Draco." Pansy reached out for him in urgent need.

Draco wagged a finger in front of her face. "Awe, ah, ah… no touchy."

"Are we playing a game?"

"Yes, it's called shut up and leave me alone."

"That doesn't sound very fun."

"It is for me." With that said he spun her chair around and began pushing her, chair and all, out of the circle. Moments later Pansy could be found in the far corner of the room as if she were a four year old in time out.

Pansy whimpered in protest and began to rise from her corner seat, "But Drakie baby?"

"No, bad Pansy." Draco scolded loudly as if dealing with a very disobedient canine who had just pissed the carpet. "STAY!" Pansy rapidly resumed her seat in a huff. _She looks and sounds like a dog. I'll treat her like one. _

His work done Draco began to walk back to the circle of chairs; however, he couldn't help but notice that the room had gone completely quiet and every patient was staring at him. _What? _Maybe it was all the yelling he had just done, or the fact that this was the second time Pansy had publicly announced them boyfriend and girlfriend.

Draco decided since he had everyone's attention to set the record straight. He cleared his throat importantly. "I am not in any way involved with that," he pointed to the back of Pansy's dirty blond head as she sat obediently in her corner, "…just so everyone knows." The room remained quiet.

"Incase anyone wanted to stop crushing on one of their best friends or something like that," He added nonchalantly under his breath.

Ignoring Draco's last remark the circle of patients went back to there personal conversations and distraction. _Okay then._

Draco brushed off his hands and strutted over to sit back down besides Zabini. "Now that that's taken care of." He eyed Pansy suspiciously to make sure she was still in the corner before he continued. "Where were we?"

"You wanted to know who Granger is 'involved' with," Zabini offered.

"Right. But, first can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"How come every time you say a word like 'involved', 'hook up', or 'thing' you do air-quotes with your fingers?" Draco mimicked his observation as he spoke framing each of the aforementioned words with his own fashion of air-quoting.

Zabini gave him a charismatic smile. "Because I think air-quotes are super enjoyable."

_Point 'taken'…. Ha, ha, ha! Mental air-quotes._

Zabini turned anxiously to Draco and lowered his voice. "Why, is that 'weird'?"

"No, it's 'cool'. I just 'wondered'."

_Okay this air-quote thing is just too damn fun._

Draco shook himself out of his current finger-quote contemplation and back to the task at hand. _Focus. _"Now, Bini, tell me which of those two guys has the hots for Granger and vice versa?"

"It's Hermione Granger and – "

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

_Crap on a cracker._

Once again Zabini had been interrupted at the critical moment. This time however it wasn't by Draco's scream, but Colin Creevey's.

The little, mousy haired boy, who had been rocking in his chair until now, was at present running about the outside of the circle of chairs at a dizzying rate. Around and around he went screaming at an annoying and constant pitch.

Having dealt with Creevey before Draco knew what to do. He positioned himself at the ready, turning in his chair to face the outside of the circle and sticking out an arm over the back of his chair. All he had to do now was wait for Colin to run past his seat again.

_Wait for it…wait for it. NOW! _

As the screaming Creevey ran past Draco slapped him atop the head and the poor boy crumpled to the floor.

_I think I killed it. _

Suddenly Colin popped up off the ground. "Wow! I see stars! Can anyone else see them?"

_Damn it. He lives. _

"They're red, no orange, no blue, no purple, no blue, no green, no blue." Colin looked eagerly at Draco who sank back down into his chair amazed at the small boy's dexterity. "Can you see the stars?" asked Colin of Draco.

"No but if you hold your breath for long enough I'm sure they'll get even brighter." Draco replied with an exaggerated, mock enthusiasm.

Colin's eyes grew to twice their size. "Really?"

"Yea. But, only if you hold breathe for long enough."

Colin bounced up and down in his excitment. "Then someone needs to count."

"Creevey, just shut up and hold your breath."

"Okay." The tiny boy hastily sucked in all the air he could manage causing his cheeks to puff out as he held his breathe with all his might. As a result the poor boy's face started turning a light shade of blue.

With Creevey now out of the way, a desperate Draco turned back to Zabini. "Now, Bini, please as quickly as you can. Tell me Stick-boy or the Weasel?"

Zabini opened his mouth to finally tell Draco what he was dieing to know; however, (because it makes the story so much more interesting) at that moment the door to the small room flew open with a startling bang.

_Ooooh, Bugger. _

It was as if the world had aligned just to piss off Draco Malfoy making it so he would never learn the truth about the secret love dealings of the trio. _Fuck this fanfic! I want to know who Granger's condoling with now! _

There in the doorway stood a tall, slender man with shoulder length greasy, black hair, sallow skin, and an overlarge nose.

_Hey it's Count Chocula's dirty cousin. _

Draco tapped Zabini on the shoulder. "Bini? Who the hell is this ass monkey?"

"The doctor."

"Oh."

Unlike the other doctors Draco had seen this man wasn't wearing a white coat. Instead he was dressed in black from head to toe. He glided into the room carrying a briefcase and clipboard. _Hey, he looks and moves like an overgrown bat. Maybe it wouldn't be too much of a leap to assume he's a VAMPIRE! ... Nah, that's just silly. _

The entire room fell silent upon the doctor's entrance; everyone except for Colin Creevey who was beginning to turn a violent shade of purple and sputtering from lack of air. The doctor picked up on this disturbance immediately, his beady black eyes zoning in on the small boy.

"Mr. Creevey, stop holding your breath before you pass out." He commanded with the coldest voice Draco had ever heard. The small boy obeyed taking in a large amount of air to the point where he started coughing. "If I'm not mistaken," continued the doctor, "you're not even supposed to be in here."

Creevey respond as he gasped for breath his words coming out in disjoined spurts. "I thought… I could… take Seamus' place…. since he's… in solitary… confinement… right now."

The doctor pointed menacingly to the door he had just come through. "No. Get out." Creevey, still coughing and red-faced, scampered out the door flailing his arms.

Next the doctor addressed the whole room. "Why was Mr. Creevey holding his breath?" he demanded. "And why is Miss Parkinson sitting in a corner?"

No one spoke.

"I'm _waiting _for an explanation." The doctor tapped his foot against the floor. When no explanation came he moved to sit down within the circle next to a scared looking Neville and a dreamy eyed girl with waist length blond hair. Carefully he put down his briefcase, positioned his clipboard neatly in his lap, and took a pen out of his pocket.

Suddenly, the doctor turned on Harry. "You're being awfully quiet. Therefore everything I'm not happy with at the moment is your fault."

"That's not fair I didn't do anything!" objected Harry.

"Silence."

_Ha. He hates Potter. That's funny._

Harry continued to protest. "I didn't do any thing. It was him." Harry pointed to Draco. "He put Pansy in the corner and he hit Colin." _I deny these wild allegations!_

The doctor looked in the direction Harry had pointed. "Ah, yes. We have a new addition to our group this morning." The greasy man flipped through a few pages on his clipboard. "A Mr. Draco Malfoy."

"Present."

"Mr. Malfoy, did you do these things Potter is accusing you of?"

"No, sir," claimed Draco acting completely scandalized. "I would never!" The blond tried to look as innocent as he possibly could. _I'm a little baby of god I swear._

"There you are Potter," the greasy man gave Harry a nasty look. "How dare you accuse another patient."

"He's lying!" cried Harry.

"We saw him," added Ron coming to the defense of his friend.

"Quiet!"

"But sir – " Hermione protested diplomatically.

"Stay out of this Miss Granger."

Hermione continued to press the issue. "You can't possibly blame Harry for something that Malfoy did."

"Why yes I can. Now silence all three of you," the doctor's eyes flashed sinisterly as he held his pen above his clipboard, "before I feel inspired to write negative comments about you in your charts."

All three members of the trio sank back into there chairs feeling the injustice of the situation. Draco, on the other hand was smirking. He had gotten managed to get both Harry and Ron in trouble and avoid it himself. _That's right I'm a bad ass. It's my birthday. Not really, but whatever. _The fact that Hermione got in trouble too was unfortunate. _She'll get over it. I know I will._

Having finally silenced the trio, the doctor asked Miss Parkinson to rejoin the circle. Pansy happily picked up her chair and returned to sit next to Draco.

"Now Mr. Malfoy," said the doctor his room and patients now back in order, "since you're new I'm going to lay out the ground rules for you. First of all, I am Dr. Severus Snape. I run all group therapy sessions in this ward..."

Snape continued to lecture on and on about group therapy. Saying things like how the formation of chairs was called the 'sharing circle' and that there was to be no foolish chitchat it this room. But Draco was only half-listening, for he was still preoccupied with figuring out who Hermione liked.

_She can't have a thing going with Potter his hair is just too damn messy. Then again Weasley is a poor, butt-ugly git. Difficult, difficult. If I was a girl I'd choose…Ah, screw it I would become a lesbian. _

_Wait a minute. Why do I care so much who likes Granger, or better yet why do I care so much who Granger likes?_

Draco shook his head and tuned back into what Dr. Snape was saying. It sounded to Draco as if he was reciting something he didn't much care for. "…this is the place where we share our feelings with our peers in a safe environment."

"I'm not going to share," announced Draco. "I'm just here to pass judgment."

"Be that as it may," negotiated Snape, "you will be expected to participate."

"Okay fine. I vote Weasley off the island. That's my contribution."

"This isn't one of those kinds of meetings."

"Can we still ask him to leave the room?"

"Unfortunately not."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged looks of anger.

Snape continued on. "Since you are new we are going to go around the 'sharing circle' and each ask you a question about yourself in an effort to get to know you before we start today's session." _What kinda questions?_

"I'll start." Snape looked straight at Draco. "What's your favorite color?"

"Green."

Zabini gave Draco a high five. "Nice Choice."

"That's right bitch best color ever." Draco held out his arm to Zabini and they pounded their fists together old school style.

"Okay Mr. Zabini," instructed Snape, "your turn to ask Mr. Malfoy a question."

"Draco?" asked Zabini.

"What buuuuuuuddy?"

"Who do you think is the least attractive person in the room?"

"Let me think," Draco pretended to be thinking really hard. "Well we know it's not you." Both boys laughed hysterically and then stopped abruptly. "I'd have to go with either Potter or Weasley."

_That's right Granger, it doesn't matter which one you like they're both ridiculously unhandsome. _

Zabini got excited. "You can only pick one."

"Then hands down it has to be Potter."

Zabini gave Draco another high five. "Nice Choice."

"That's right bitch least attractive person ever." Draco held out his fist to Zabini. "Pound it. Lock it."

Zabini accepted Draco's fist. "Damn straight."

Harry took off his classes and rubbed them with his shirt. He couldn't believe what he was seeing or hearing. "You have to be kidding me! You guys are such pompous jerks."

Zabini looked outraged that Harry had spoken to him. "People with hair as messy as yours are not aloud to talk to me. It's upsetting."

"Potter," warned Snape, "stop upsetting Mr. Zabini."

"But –" stammered Harry.

"MOVING ON." Snape looked at the girl to his left. "Your turn, Miss Lovegood."

The dreamy eyed girl who sat next to him spoke in wispy voice. "What are your thoughts on the mental chip implants in McDonald's chicken McNuggets put there so as to lead to the eventual death of the eater through steady dehydration?"

"Miss Lovegood…" Dr. Snape began with a sinister warning.

Draco cut across Snape wanting to answer the question. "I say fuck the nuggets and while you're at it screw the man with the big, red, floppy shoes." He nodded with absolute certainty. _I hate clowns. _

Too his right Zabini added a substantial, "Here, here!"

"Mr. Malfoy," said Dr. Snape, "I know it is your first time here. So please don't encourage her. She is a pathological liar and her fabrications must not be tolerated."

_Interesting._

"Mr. Weasley, why don't you go next."

Ron chose not to look directly at Draco instead all he said was, "Do you have any hobbies?"

_You bet I do._ "Your mom." said Draco under his breath.

"What was that?" Ron got up and advanced toward Draco, "Don't you dare talk about my mother!" But before he could get any where near the blond Harry grabbed the collar of his shirt and forced him to sit back down. "Let go of me he's talking about my mother."

Harry tightened his hold on Ron before he spoke on his friends behalf. "Professor Snape, aren't you going to do anything? Malfoy just said something about Ron's mother."

"First of all, I'm not your _professor_, I'm your doctor. Secondly, I didn't hear him say it so I'm going to assume you are lying once again." Snape wore a self-satisfied smirk. "Miss Granger your turn to ask Mr. Malfoy a question."

Hermione, who had heard exactly what Draco said, looked at Draco with an expressionless face. "I have no questions for him. In fact, I want to know as little about him as I possibly can." _Ouch._

Dr. Snape clicked his ballpoint pen menacingly over his clipboard. "You're _not _going to participate?"

"Can _I_ ask her a question then if she's not going to ask me one?" interrupted a scheming Draco.

"Unorthodox. But sure," said Dr. Snape. "Go ahead Mr. Malfoy"

Draco cleared his throat then looked at the brunette critically. "If you were stranded on a deserted island and you could only bring one thing with you, would it be...A: A flaming red book with brown dots all over the cover…or…B: A black book with messy pages, oh, and there's a lightening bolt drawn on the cover with marker? "

Hermione just stared at Draco as if he was indeed out of his mind. "I'm not answering that question it's ridiculous."

"Hermione it's not ridiculous it's _riddikulus_," Harry whispered into her ear. "Why are you even using that incantation we're in Potions? Don't give Snape a reason to take any more – "

"Mr. Potter silence." Snape's beady, black eyes flashed with irritation. "Miss Granger, answer Mr. Malfoy's question."

"No," said Hermione plainly in response.

"Miss Granger, you had your chance to ask a question and you refused. Are you now also going to refuse to answer his question?" Snape began to write something on his clipboard.

Harry whispered into the brunette's ear again, "See I told you he'll take points."

"Fine," Hermione folded her arms across her chest, "I would choose both books."

"You slut!" gasped Draco.

Hermione's mouth fell open in shock as Ron jumped out of his chair. "Don't you dare call her a slut!" He protested in utter outrage with his fists clenched at his sides.

"She chose both books," countered Draco as if that settled the matter.

"She likes to read."

"I bet she does." Draco wiggled both eyebrows provocatively.

Before the moment could escalate into a physical fight Dr. Snape intervened. "Mr. Weasley sit down." Ron, whose face was now as red as his hair, resumed his seat while keeping his angry blue eyes trained on Draco.

Snape then turned on Hermione. "Miss Granger, I know this will be difficult for you, but could you stop being a smartass know-it-all for once and just chose A or B so we can move on with this session."

A frustrated/embarrassed Hermione obeyed the doctor's command. "Okay, fine…B. I would choose B."

_Dun, dun, DUN! Potter 1:Weasley 0. Although, on second thought Weasley was the one who defended her after the slut comment… _

With the question now answered Dr. Snape moved the session forward. "Mr. Malfoy, now that we know a little more about you and which texts Miss Granger prefers to read we can start. Every group session starts by going around the Sharing Circle and talking about our feelings." Snape rolled his eyes at his own words. "So, how are you feeling today, Mr. Malfoy?"

_Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional… _"Fine."

Dr. Snape eyed Draco pensively. "Here as a group we are trying to help you understand your feelings." It once again sounded like the doctor was reciting something he had memorized. "So you're going to need to be more specific."

Draco remained resolutely silent.

"Let's try this again shall we. Mr. Malfoy, please describe for the group your present feelings." Snape let the question linger in the air while he waited for Draco's response. In place of Draco's answer, however, came Miss Granger's thoughts on the subject.

"Don't bother with him he doesn't have feelings." Still mad at the slut comment, Hermione cast a scathing look across the room.

Draco touched his chest with one hand and faked injury. "Ouch, that hurt Granger." His eyes grew wide in cynical amazement. "Oh, looky there I do have feelings." He then crossed his arms over his chest and smirked. "Just because I chose not to waste them on people as unimportant as you."

Hermione straightened in her seat with a knowing smile. "You just proved how incredibly unfeeling you are."

"Talk about unfeeling." Draco lowered his voice to a husky pitch and stared into her big, brown eyes. "What about you in the hallway yesterday? You wouldn't feel nothin'."

Greatly annoyed, Snape broke up their witty banter. "Miss Granger, please do see if you can resist the urge to interrupt myself as well as other patients. As I was saying, Mr. Malfoy please tell the group what you are feeling."

"Honestly," Draco began, "I'm feeling sexually deprived." He winked at Hermione.

"I can fix that." As soon as Draco had said 'sexually' Pansy had jumped out of her seat and flung herself at him.

_Not again._

Draco pushed the blond away from himself. "No, down Pansy. Bad girl." Pansy obeyed his command and returned to her seat panting.

Used to Miss Parkinson's outbursts Dr. Snape continued on as if one of his patients had not just tried to dry hump another patient. "Okay then, moving on. Mr. Zabini, if you would care to share how you are feeling."

Zabini willingly obliged to Dr. Snape's request. "I just want to start off by saying that nobody knows what it's like to be this good looking. Except for maybe Draco."

Draco nodded his agreement. "Carry on my good man."

"It's just so hard to be this handsome. I mean have you seen this face. Look how symmetric this nose is. And this jaw line…. I can't take it. In fact, I'm going to cry. Wait I need a mirror!" Zabini looked around frantically as if one would appear out of thin air. "I love to watch myself cry. I look so sad."

"No mirror," said Dr. Snape sharply.

"Bull shit!" Zabini jumped out of his seat fuming. "You all get to look at me." He pointed accusingly around the room. "I want to look at me too! It's not fair!" Zabini stood in the center of the circle of chairs looking thoroughly dejected.

_Man, he's really suffering. Idea!_

Draco stood up from his chair, walked slowly over to Zabini, and patted him on the back consolingly. Then he sang the magic words. "I'm bringing sexy back."

The attractive boy stopped pouting and looked at Draco with a question in his eyes. "Yea," asked Zabini timidly. Draco started to shake his hips as if to answer Zabini's question.

The shaking in Draco's hips transferred to his butt. "Them other boys don't know how to act." Zabini gradually began to move his pelvis in a circular motion with the blond, and pretty soon both boys were hardcore dancing in the center of the circle. Draco continued to sing.

"I think you're special what's behind your back." Here Draco jumped behind Zabini's back and then poked around his side. "So turn around and I'll pick up the slack." Zabini complimented his move by doing a Michael Jackson spin and picking up the next line of the song.

"Take em' to the bridge." Zabini pointed to Draco.

"Dirty babe." The blond danced his way over to where Granger sat. "You see these shackles Baby I'm your slave. I'll let you whip me if I misbehave." Draco spanked his own rear end and proceeded to drop it like it was hot. "It's just that no one makes me feel this way."

After seeing Hermione's reaction of something other then pure loathing, he ran/slide over to his unoccupied chair and jumped up to stand on top of it. "Where's the sexy?" asked Draco.

"Where's the sexy gone?" Inquired Zabini animatedly as he looked underneath the chair Draco was standing on.

Draco pretended to be puzzled while still thrusting his pelvis. "I don't know. Where could the sexy be?" The blond pointed to himself. "Oh, that's right it's right here."

Snape coughed loudly to get the two boys attention. Draco and Zabini froze where they were: Draco standing on top of his chair and Zabini kneeling on the floor before him.

The room was dead silent. Taking this nonverbal cue, both Draco and Zabini unfroze, sat back down in their original seats, and tried to act like nothing had happened.

Draco scanned the room while breathing heavily from their impromptu performance. Everyone was staring blankly at him and Zabini… _Fuckin' haters … _Everyone except Granger…who was actually half-smiling before she turned away from his gaze. _Boo-yaaa! I made her smile. Well, half-smile…semantics._

Unnerved by the awkward silence Draco spoke. "What? I'm just doing my part to help bring sexy back. Justin cannot do it alone!"

"Be that as it may…" Dr. Snape stared at the two boys for a moment longer, and then continued on as if his two patients had not just tried to bring sexy back. "Let's move to the other side of the circle. Mr. MacMillan, how are you feeling today?"

"Well, this morning when I woke up I only made my bed five times instead of six and now I'm wishing I had done it the six times…"

As much as Draco wanted to listen to what _little crazy MacMillan _had to say… _NOT _…he couldn't help but let his gaze wonder to the girl he had just made smile...well, half-smile. (_ whatever_) The girl who had been occupying most of his thoughts lately, indecent and otherwise.

There she sat just a few feet across from him listening to MacMillan prattle on. Her cheeks red with resentment, complexion dull from lack of sun, and hair more bushy then a chia pet. Yet, Draco surmised that there was a certain awkwardness about her face that made him stare. Try as he might to stop looking at her he just couldn't.

_Don't look at her, don't look at her. You're looking at her. She's looking at you! Look away... _

Draco whipped his neck around with such force as not to be caught looking at her that he fell over out of his chair and toppled onto the ground. _Ah, the floor, my old friend. So we meet again. _

Hermione, who had caught on to Draco's overt staring, looked thoughtfully at the blond boy who now occupied the center of the Sharing Circle belly down. "Hey, Malfoy could you stop humping the floor it's distracting."

_Witty thing isn't she. _

Lifting only his head from the generic, gray carpet Draco cocked both his eyebrows suggestively. "Sorry. The floor was just begging for it."

_I'm so sassy. _

"Mr. Malfoy off the floor. Miss Granger, this is the second time you have spoken out of turn. I'm going to make a serious note of this." With that Snape began writing furiously on his clipboard.

Hermione looked at Draco as though she was going to murder him. "What? I didn't do anything. This is Malfoy's fault. He was staring at me. I didn't interrupt or speak out of turn. He's the idiot… ( _That's harsh._)…who fell out of his chair for no apparent reason."

"Miss Granger, silence." Snape cut across her threateningly. "Mr. MacMillan, please continue where you left…"

"This isn't fair." Hermione wasn't quiet finished. "What about him." She motioned to Draco, who in response made a 'what did I do' face. "Is he going to be punished?"

_Punished…now we're talking. _"Don't worry about it, Granger. Come to my room later and you can punish me all you want. I've been so very naughty." Draco bit his lower lip.

"I will do no such thing!"

"Miss Granger!" Hermione fell quiet; her face thoroughly reddened with anger as Snape reprimanded her one more time. "It appears that in addition to being a BPD anorexic, you seem to have developed an inability to stop talking."

_Note to self: find out what a BPD anorexic is. _

"Since you're so eager to talk," Snape continued sinisterly, "let's discuss the very public dispute you and Mr. Weasley had yesterday in the boy's corridor. Or better yet, the inappropriate relations you had with an intern."

_Oooooh, RELATIONS…This is going to be good. _

"I, this is just…" Hermione was clearly at a loss for words.

"This is just what Miss Granger? Use descriptive, emotionally valid words."

Hermione remained silent.

"What? You have nothing to say." The brunette turned her gaze to the floor to examine her shoes as the snarky doctor continued. "I'm confused. Only a moment ago you were so keen to express your opinions."

Looking at the unkempt pile of brown hair that now obscured Granger's face Draco began to wish he hadn't riled her up. He realized what he had to do… _Super Drakie to the rescue! _

Draco raised his hand and then spoke without being called on. "Excuse me, Sir. I have some descriptive, emotionally valid words."

Dr. Snape shifted his focus from a thoroughly humiliated Hermione to the blond as did everyone else in the room. "Yes, Mr. Malfoy."

"Weasley stinks."

"I'm sorry, albeit descriptive that is not emotionally valid."

"How about Weasley sucks?"

"No, but closer."

"Weasley's mother is a whore."

"Colder."

"Weasley is an asshole."

"Warmer."

"Weasley is an asshole…" Draco searched his mind. "…and that makes me angry."

"Very good, Mr. Malfoy." _I love word play. _

"What?" exclaimed Ron. "You're just going to let him say that stuff about me?"

Snape answered without a moment's hesitation. "Yes."

Draco smirked with a deviant smile. _Can't touch this. Nah na na na. Can't touch this. _

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A/N: I'm bringing sexy back ; ) Thanks for reading.


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